Swingers Answers |
Breaking the rules
Swingers Answers Home Page
Add Post
Question:
Breaking the rules
Every relationship has rules, and they are particularly important to us Swingers as the rules not only define our relationship now but also determine where our relationship will be after every expereince. Solid ground is necessary to keep the relationship healthy.
Soooooooo what happens when one partner breaks the rules?
OK... the Rule is "They both play or neither plays"
The senario is a couple whom have been swinging for several years host a mixed party with lifetylers and non-lifestylers in their home. Over the course of the evening the wife notices that her husband is on the couch and overtly flirting with a guest (non-lifesyler friend), the wife see's this as she passes by then dismisses it as it was "flirting" and goes outside. When she returns she finds that not only has the husband taken this guest upstairs but a few others have retreated there as well.
He says... it was a normal progression from flirting to moving it upstairs
She says...How can I trust him when he broke "the rule" in their home and in front of many friends.
She has no desire to loose all her lifestyle friends or stop swinging... but now the trust in him is gone.
Any ideas? Suggestions? |
Answers:
RE: Breaking the rules...
We have the same rule as most know. We have hosted and been to many parties in the past. It is going to happen sometimes no matter what. In the heat of a party drinking and flirting its just natual in a swinger roll to just not even think about it as a issue. Me and amanda have been on the both sides of this before. We didnt get mad about it we just talked, one time I thought amanda was right there and she wasnt,but sometimes its easy to not pay alot of attention when you are with someone else. Other times it was the other person that had started it with amanda and ended up going to the room while I was outside. Now 6 years ago I would of been pissed but now I understand no need to its part of it. Tell them to just talk it over and you know if they cant get over it then I would question if the lifestyle was for them.
gary |
RE: Breaking the rules...
I think her first maistake was walking on past and allowing him to continue on the wrong path. He was totally wrong from the get go and should not have been in that situation. All trust should not be gone but they certainly need to communicate more, revisit guidelines and see how the situation went all wrong. As a couple they must work together, believe me, if I saw Tony sitting there as this guy was, I would have been able to see where the situation could go, I would have created a reason to get him up and away from it. The guy should have had enough sense to remove himself from the situation but sometimes those situations can be hard to get out of.
Work as a team to keep guidelines in tact!
Smooches,
Gin |
RE: Breaking the rules...
To start, he should of asked to play alone.
In the lifestyle, we all have rules. In most cases, some or a lot, fall on the way side. Like Kissing.
It is not a rule, in most cases, that lasts very long.
Most couples I know, only, play together. It's watching, being there, as their partner is pleasured. The sharing. Not just sex. Others it's same bed, so they can touch their partner, even more then just sex.
Case in point. This couple were having a house party. They had never played separate. As the post, one found a play partner, unlike above, he asked her to join them. she decided to play host. They still only play as a couple, but, sometimes?
In this case, he did break the rule. I don't think this should be the end of everything. He made a bad mistake, one THEY need to talk. This sounds like a one time thing. Most of her friends would most likely think he had permission. So I wouldn't think that is a problem. I mean, it was their house and she might of been busy. She needs to forgive and he needs to crawl on his knees and beg for forgiveness. Roses may not be a bad idea. |
RE: Breaking the rules...
Was this a vanilla friend? And why was she there at a lifestyle party. Did they try to find the hostess, and she was busy or unavailable. We only hear one side of the story, I am not condoning the fact just asking a few questions. Sometimes in the heat of passion things happen, if it is a house party doesn't it make sense that playing together is very difficult at times, especially if there is more than a 2 couples involved. My wife have the same rule but only when there are 2 couples. This couple really needs to talk about their rules if they continue to host parties, if I am not in the mood or my wife just wants to mingle and not play, then that should be discussed prior to the party.
IMO
Russ |
RE: Breaking the rules...
It reads, a mixed party. BOTH Lifestyle and Non- Lifestylers. Just re read it, it answers some of your questions.
|
RE: Breaking the rules...
This was a mixed party of vanillas and lifestylers. As to the host, it was the couple themselves who were the hosts in their home.
I know that going to a house party can be overwelming; but, if me and my partner have rules there is no way I would break it.... consultation prior would happen. I think that him breaking the rule in his own home is a MAJOR faux pas on his doing... even worse if it was on his own bed.
|
RE: Breaking the rules...
Meant to add that being "in the moment and caught up" is NO excuse at all... just imagine if others used that excuse to try to get out of a situation. Getting caught up in a situation means you are not using the proper judgement skills; whether it is due to alcohol or not, just got to fess up and deal with the consequences of your actions.
Sharon |
RE: Breaking the rules...
for us first of all not sure why you would host a lifestyle party and invite vanila couples as well, as most times thr ywo don't mix well. Other than that we would ask why didn't the host simply tell the other person " hey before we go upstairs, I need to let my spouse know". We all have rules for a reason and ultimately your partner whether it be spouse or BF, GF should be your number one priority.
Doing something such as was done here makes you question what's next? not using a condem when that's your rules also, etc.
Just our opinion.
Dave and Mary |
RE: Breaking the rules...
I totally agree that being caught up in the moment is NO excuse, all scenarios or as many as possible should be discussed before swinging. I also know that situations that have not been thought of can happen and throw a plan off track. Things happen and there can be an array of reasons why someone may make a mistake that could lead to breaking guidelines be it in their home or elsewhere.
I think it would benefit all of us to realize that just as guidelines are placed, there should be a plan of action to deal with the situation if those guidelines are broken. I have broken guidelines and so has Tony, we deal with it, discuss how it happened and possibly make adjustments through compromise, we then move past it.
Smooches,
Gin |
RE: Breaking the rules...
I hear everyone saying caught up in the moment is no excuse but we only hear one side of this. There can be in cases where you think the other is there and knows whats going on. There could of been a look at each other as they wee leaving to the up stairs.He could of taken it as an ok and she would soon follow. She could of looked and didnt register what was going on at the time and he just took it as an ok. We are same room only but we do have a few select couples where we dont inforce it. We are very comfortable with them and know every thing is ok. I am still more comfortable with everyone being in the room and is more exiting as well . They need to talk and see both sides. We only play in our bed at our house with anyone away from the cam. There is 2 sides of the story and I would like to hear both.
gary |
RE: Breaking the rules...
When I think of being caught up in the moment, I visualize extreme arousal and dismissing common sense. In my opinion there is NO excuse for that. We all must be accountable for our actions but I do realize that every single situation is different. Not every broken guideline is intentional and yes, there are always 2 sides of a story.
Smooches,
Gin |
RE: Breaking the rules...
we also hear people saying caught up in the moment....sounds to us like just an excuse like saying I cheated on you but only because I was drunk. If you cannot control yourself in any situation then maybe you should be avoiding those types of situations to begin with. To us it is not an excusable reason so much as it is just an excuse.
Again just our opinion.
Mary and Dave |
RE: Breaking the rules...
Yes there are two sides to every story, but when you have someone asking for help you only hear from their perspective; then you need to take a step back and look at the situation without emotion or prejudices.
This situation happens a lot in swinging, and I posted it to give newbies whom asked a what if question.
My thoughts stand firm in whether it was a misinterpretation of what one "thought" was approval with a OK, honey... have fun or a pre-approved agreement saying its ok.... it is a matter of lack of communication. He should have stepped away from the situation to discuss his intentions with his wife before sowing his oats.
But.. everyone else's perspective helps get an overall idea of how to prepare or prevent something like this from happening within their life.
Sharon |
RE: Breaking the rules...
I think to fully advise in this situation, one needs to hear more and from both sides,something doesn't seem quite right. They have been swinging for a few years yet host a party with swingers as well as non swingers (bad move) The husband is flirting with a non swinger and the wife dismisses it (bad move) One would think she would have gotten upset that he was making advances without her.
I agree that he should have stepped away but I also agree that she should have stepped in! Again, it takes 2 to make the guidelines and 2 to enforce them.
Did she go after him upstairs?.....I don't think the information here is enough to lose all trust!
Gin
|
RE: Breaking the rules...
I agree with both of you Gin and Sharon. When you have a mixed party then its just that a PARTY no swinging should have ever been engaged in the first place. Something is wrong with this whole situation after 2 years they both should have known better and also known the signs of what is coming next. Comunication was the key in this case when she saw him with this non swinger in the first place, she should of said something then. Not going outside to flirt or whatever she was involved with at the time. We have been in a situation where I looked at amanda and she looked at me when she was flirting with someone. I knew right then exactly where this would most likely end up at, and if I ignored it and walked away its on both of us not just one person. For the most part we only invite good friends to parties with an exeption of maybe 2 or three new couples to see how they are. This way you also have great friends advice on the people also and eliminate most uncomfortable situations. We trust our frinds opinions very well if we didnt we wouldnt have so many that were friends for 4 to 5 years. There is a major flaw in comunications in this whole situation and never should of happened in the first place. Wrong party with wrong combination of people. You wouldnt put a Boa constrictor ((SNAKE)) lol that hasnt ate in 2 months and a handful of mice in a cage together and expect the snake to play nice, it doesnt work. So the party was out of line in the first place. Thats only my opinion but a party is just a party period
gary |
RE: Breaking the rules...
This is a good topic. Mixing lifestylers and non lifestylers is a disaster ready to happen unless the lifestylers were informed that this was just a party and to control themselves. Like alot of ppl have mentioned it takes 2 to tango. Lack of communication was the second mistake, we werent there so we can only surmise what took place. was anything mentioned prior to the party that the vanilla person would like to try the lifestyle, or was it just that she wanted to play with the host. Toooooo many questions and not enough answers. One thing for sure if I was hosting a mixed party I would never leave my guest nor would my wife to satisfy the urges to play. If I went to a mixed party and was vanilla and the host or hostess went of to play, I would leave and never come back, I will say it again if the host or hostess leaves a mixed party to go play, that is RUDE, CRUDE, and SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE.
Russ |
[] [] [swingers]
|
Nasca |
BayCouples |
SwapperNet |
SLS |
HedoOnline
|
